Parody 13: Claudia (S01E04)
by stewbeef44
Summary: Claudia enters the storyline. Jane, Leena, and Mrs. Frederic go into the Archer universe to reclaim Mjolnir, Thor's hammer. What hilarity will ensue? Find out!
1. Claudia Donovan

"Something's going on..."

Stu was a ferret. But he didn't used to be. He was a cultural geographer at Humboldt State University when one day, someone only going by the name "Paracelsus" asked if he would like to co-author a fanfiction parodying Stu's favorite show, Warehouse 13. Stu accepted, and everything went downhill from there. Paracelsus got so involved with what he was writing, he became infused with the fanfiction. In his dying moments on Earth, he used Edgar Allen Poe's pen to turn Stu into a ferret. The ferret wrote in the margins of the parody that Paracelsus was bronzed. But something was different now. Ever since Stu... okay, _I_ wrote that a hot British woman seduced, drugged and kidnapped Pete, I have felt the strange urge to unbronze Paracelsus. And I fear that that day may have come, even though I didn't write it. But who did?

Wait. Edgar Allen Poe's pen. Did that dratted...? Yes, he must have. Oh, you're asking who unbronzed Paracelsus? I have an idea, but that would spoil the surprise. Let's find out...

* * *

"Who... who are you? How did you get in here?"

"Through a door."

The red-haired young woman stood in Artie's office, with Artie cuffed to his seat. "Claudia. Claudia Donovan..."

"Yeah, it's me, grumpus. I called you that once, remember?"

"No..."

Claudia leered at him. "Of course you don't. You probably don't even remember Joshua."

"Joshua was not my fault."

"JOSHUA WAS MY BROTHER!" Claudia yelled in a rage, inadvertently waking up Pete and Myka, who were in bed together. "And you're going to make it right. Come on."

With that, the intruder literally dragged Artie out and into his car. She started the engine, and drove off.

* * *

"Did you hear something?"

"No, Mykes, just us."

"I heard a stranger yelling, then Artie's voice. It came from the lobby downstairs, where Artie sometimes goes to think. Come on. We'll finish right afterwards."

"Okay..."

Artie was gone. His Farnsworth was there, open. There were scuff marks on the floor, leading outside.

"Someone took Artie?"


	2. Vanessa Calder returns

Pete and Myka scoured the room for clues that might lead them to Artie. Myka noticed something on Artie's computer.

"Hey, Artie has a text file called 'emergency' on his desktop. Let me open it... crap, it's encrypted!"

"Well, don't panic. Try 'password'."

"Well, I don't have any better ideas." She typed in "password", and it opened. "Wow, that has got to be the worst password ever."

"Okay, let's read it."

* * *

In case I have been injured, tortured, abducted, pulverized, doused in acid, murdered, or otherwise incapacitated, set the frequency to 47.4 on any Farnsworth and press the 'talk' button to speak with Dr. Vanessa Calder at the CDC. She'll know how to handle it. Now go do your work, I probably have more important things to do.

Artie

* * *

They did as the note said. "This is Vanessa Calder... hey, is Artie alright? I haven't heard from him in days."

"We have reason to believe he has been abducted. A note on his computer said to contact you."

"I'll be right there."


	3. Garage fire

Leena looked around. "Where are we? Because it looks like we're in a burning parking garage."

"Yes, we are. SO RUN!"

Leena, Mrs. Frederic, and Jane ran through the parking garage down all the stairs they could find. Eventually, they got out. A woman with red hair greeted them. "That was so hot… you guys getting burned… licked by the passionate fires of cars just _exploding_ at the gentle touch of the flames… mmm. By the way, I'm Cheryl. What brings you to these parts?"

"That is none of your concern."

"Well, geez, you don't have to make it creepy…" Jane facepalmed as Cheryl said this.

At that point, a suave-looking but apparently drunk person stumbled along towards Cheryl. "So, what'd I miss?"

"An epic garage fire! You missed my weekly garage fire, Archer! Again!"

"How many garages do you own, anyway?"

"NONE OF THEM!"

"And who exactly are you? And wait… why are we animated?" Jane asked in bewilderment.

Cheryl and Archer looked at them as if they had grown two heads. "Well, what were you expecting, something that looked all 3-dimensional, like that weird show Warehouse 13?"

"Awkward…" Leena muttered.

"Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Sterling Archer, the world's most dangerous spy."

Leena, Jane, and Cheryl started laughing hysterically. "Ha!" said Jane. "That almost took my mind off of Cheryl trying to murder us back there."

"Why would you want to take your mind off that? Murder is just so… intimate."

"Okay, so where is your hideout, if you're really a secret agent?"

"It's above the laundromat on SE 101st, right here in Portland."

"Um… wow."

"I know, right? We're having a staff meeting tonight if you want to come."

"Phrasing, boom!" Cheryl yelled. Archer and Cheryl then walked off.

"So, does anybody think what I'm thinking?"

"Yes. Probably because I'm reading your mind," Leena said. "I'm thinking that if those people could work for a spy agency, we definitely could too."

"And use our influence to reclaim Mjolnir?"

"Exactly."


	4. What's a durational suspectothingy?

"Hey, I'm here." Vanessa walked in the lobby of the Warehouse. "Well, what have you tried? Did the Durational Spectrometer get any results?"

"No, we were just about to try it. Myka, what's a Durational Suspectothingy?"

"I don't know..."

Vanessa sighed. "Artie really doesn't tell you much, does he?"

"Nope."

"Okay, well, here it is," she said, pulling what looked like a steampunky camcorder off the cabinet. She dialed some switches, and it turned on.

A shadow-like version of Artie appeared. It looked like he was having a very bad dream. Then, a girl appeared next to Artie. They started moving their mouths, but they couldn't hear them because the Spectrometer had no sound. Then, they saw the girl drag Artie out of the building.

"Well, he was definitely kidnapped. How do we find her? How do we even know who she is?"

"I may have a solution to that. I brought along Leena's artifact that she created as an effect of the Mayan Calendar causing her to be psychic. It was her favorite stuffed bear that reminded her of her cousin. As an artifact, it gained some of her powers. In this case, it picks up on the psychic residue of a person to identify them. She calls it the psyDNA Identifier."

Vanessa held the bear, and walked next to the shadow-image of the girl. Suddenly, a pillar of green light appeared, and spoke. The voice was of Mrs. Frederic.

"I AM WAREHOUSE 13. YOU HAVE ATTEMPTED TO IDENTIFY A PERSON CLASSIFIED TO ALL AGENTS EXCEPTING THE TOP-LEVEL REGENTS. THE IDENTIFIER WILL NOW BE NEUTRALIZED AND TURNED TO ASH. GOODBYE."

The psyDNA Identifier then glowed, and blew away in a cloud of ash. "Well, that sucks," Pete said. "Hang on, can you go back on the spectrothingy? I know how to read lips, so I may be able to identify her."

"Sure thing," said Vanessa. Pete read Artie's lips carefully. "Claudia. Her name is Claudia Donovan."


	5. The lab

Pete and Myka did a background check for Claudia Donovan. "Let's see..." Pete said. "She was institutionalized, then she moved to an apartment in Minneapolis."

"Wait, she was institutionalized? What if she's dangerous?"

Vanessa spoke up. "Well, of course she's dangerous, she took Artie! As for being institutionalized, people who have been in those places sometimes go on to do great and wonderful things in the world, often with no help from the institutions. Don't tell Artie I mentioned that, though."

Pete seemed convinced, Myka did not. "Well, what are we waiting for?" Vanessa asked.

"Right, right. Well, we should go to her apartment in Minneapolis to see if we can find anything."

* * *

Claudia drove up to a building. "Come on, get inside."

Artie knew he could refuse, but some part of him felt like he should at least listen to her. He went inside, and recognized the place immediately. It was Joshua's old laboratory.

Claudia locked the door. "Get away from the windows."

Artie did. "So why are we here? Are you going to kill me, all because your brother was killed -"

"He didn't die, he's _stuck_. You don't understand, but you'll see soon enough."

"Why?"

"Because you never did anything to help him. Now you will."

"No, I won't." He broke the chain connecting the handcuffs.

"Um, how did you do that?"

"None of your concern. I'm sorry, Claudia, but even... no, _especially_ if he is alive, this is too dangerous. I have to leave."

"Well, fine!" Claudia yelled, tears now streaming down her face. "Just walk away from your problems, like you always have!"

Artie turned around. "You know nothing about me," he said, shaking his head.

"I know enough! I know enough that if you really want to fix your mistakes, you have to at least make an attempt to fix the past." Artie glared at her, but Claudia went on. "You may have a past, but I do too. Joshua was the only one who was there for me when my parents and sister died. He quit school, and started sewing Girl Scout patches for me, and reading a story to me every night. He was there for me, and then... he wasn't. Do you want that on your head for the rest of your life, that you abandoned someone who was like that? Or do you just want to walk away? I need him. I owe him, so do you, and we're running out of time, dammit Artie!" She composed herself, then pleaded, "Please save Joshua..."

"... Alright."


End file.
